Hoggiewarties
by Kristabelle Nymph
Summary: The result of my brain melting in a biology exam. Harry Potter, the tellietubbies, the wizard of oz and winnie the pooh. Need I say more.


A flash of purple light and Harry was ripped from the lake and into a vortex, right before the merman would have skewered him

A flash of purple light and Harry was ripped from the lake and into a vortex, right before the merman would have skewered him. Trying his very hardest not to throw up Harry absently wondered what was happening. He had seen things like this on the muggle cartoons before, but the character was always spat out somewhere a very long way from home.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Toto" Harry informed his pink and blue spotty snake.

"You don't say" replied the aforementioned snake, who was still angry with Harry for giving him such a ridiculous name. Harry was still trying to think of a clever retort when he landed with a huge splash.

"Damn" Harry muttered as he swam to the surface.

"Stupid stupid stupid child" the snake hissed, slithering to Harry's head to escape the water

"S'not. My. Fault!" Harry exclaimed, trying to stay above the water. No mean feat for someone who had never been swimming in his life.

"It's always your fault" the snake growled. Harry considered that it must be difficult for a snake to growl as he began to sink. Again he managed to reach the surface and gasped for air. He looked around for help and spotted the giant squid.

"Hey." He shouted "A little help" The squid examined a tentacle lazily as a human might check their nails before letting out a great bubbling sigh and swimming over to Harry, throwing him over to the bank.

"Gee thanks" Harry muttered "love you too"

"Like eww. You are so not my type" drawled the squid. Harry stared open mouthed while Toto began beating his head with his tail.

"Must get image out of head! Must get image out of head!" he chanted. Harry helpfully plucked the snake out of his hair and began swinging him like a pendulum

"You are feeling sleepy, very sleepy" Harry started. Toto sent him a glare to rival Snape's and slithered out of his grasp

"Of all the talking humans…"

"There are only two of us I know of" Harry objected

"Of all the talking humans" the snake continued "I get stuck with this one"

"Well the other one wouldn't like you anyway" Harry sulked "you'd clash with his red eyes"

"Oh yes, and pink, blue and green go soo well" the snake retorted.

"Maybe they do!" Harry replied defensively. Deciding to ignore his companion for a moment he looked around . It was almost dark and all he could see was a small hill. "Where did Hogwarts go?" Harry wondered out loud. As he pondered that the sun began to rise and to his amazement it had the face of a house elf in it laughing manically. Music started playing then a voice sounded through the field

"Over the hills and far away Hoggiewarties come to play" Harry had a horrible feeling that he knew where this was headed. Sure enough a moment later something blue with a grey square on its stomach and a weird shape in its head jumped out of the centre of the hill

"One" it announced, repeating the words of the disembodied voice. Moments later it was followed by a similar creature in green with a different shape on its head.

"Two" it repeated, landing next to the first. That was followed by another, this time in red

"Three" it cried happily.

"Four" called its yellow companion. Harry seriously considered drowning himself before the situation could progress any further. They creatures all hugged and giggled happily while a giant balloon appeared to inflate in front of them spelling "Hoggiewarties" in loopy writing. Harry groaned out loud but found that like a car crash he was unable to look away.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home" he cried desperately banging the heels of his mud covered boots together. Sadly it was not to be.

"Hoggiewarties" a voice exclaimed happily. The balloons burst and the creatures started running towards him. Eyes wide Harry backed away to the waters edge, prepared to run back in. He figured they wouldn't like water, being fuzzy and all. He was slightly surprised to find the hills suddenly covered in fluffy bunnies. Weird looking hosepipes popped up all around including one right next to him. He jumped as it started to announce

"Time for Hoggiewarties" over and over in a slightly metallic voice.

"Ravenclawie" called the blue creature, dancing around on the spot.

"Slyth'rin" called the green one, waving his arms.

"Huff-Puff" called the yellow one

"Gryff" squealed the red one.

"Kill me now" Harry moaned

"Hoggiewarties" the disembodied voice sang as the creatures ran about in a line

"Hoggiewarties" repeated the creatures

"Say hello"

"Eh oh" the creatures cried, leaning towards him and waving frantically.

"aaaahhh!!" Harry screamed as he scrambled backwards, falling into the lake. They started running at each other and bouncing off of each others stomachs. Harry was watching them wide eyed and considering whether it was possible for a boggart to change into four separate things at once.

"Hoggiewarties, Hoggiewarties."

"Big hug" the creatures cried.

"I want to die" Harry announced, debating whether to scratch out his eyes or his ears first."

"I think I hate them more than you" Toto commented in surprise.

"Merciful Merlin" Harry breathed as the red one bounced towards him and yanked off his head. Harry squeaked in horror before noticing a human mans head underneath it.

"Nice to meet you sir" the man greeted cheerfully as the others gathered behind him and removed their heads as well, revealing two women and another man.

"Godric Gryffindor I presume?" Harry asked.

"How did you know that?" he asked in surprise

"Lucky guess" Harry replied dryly. The others introduced themselves as well, much to Harry's bemusement.

"Where did you come from?" asked Salazar Slytherin.

"The future I think." Harry replied doubtfully. "I arrived here with my little snake Toto and now I don't know how to get home"

"There, there dear" said Slytherin "We'll make sure you get home."

"Go hang yourself" snarled Hufflepuff

"We should go to see the wizard" suggested Gryffindor

"Er what's a wizard?" asked Ravenclaw, scratching her head. Harry stared then followed them down the yellow brick road. They walked in silence for a while until they came to a dark tunnel. They all walked in except for Ravenclaw who kept seeming to miss and crash into the side of the tunnel. Harry called for the others to wait up and returned with the intention of dragging her with him. As soon as he reached her however the rather dim woman cornered him and burst into song

"I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers  
Consultin' with the rain.  
And my head I'd be scratchin' while  
my thoughts were busy hatchin'  
If I only had a brain.  
I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le,  
In trouble or in pain.  
With the thoughts you'll be thinkin'  
you could be another Lincoln  
If you only had a brain.  
Oh, I could tell you why The ocean's near the shore.  
I could think of things I never thunk before.  
And then I'd sit, and think some more.  
I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin'  
My heart all full of pain.  
I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry,  
If I only had a brain."

She started to skip after the others and tried to drag Harry with her, but she gave up after a few hundred metres of dragging Harry behind her. They continued to travel, the founders chattering inanely and Harry trying to figure out how to loose them for. They camped out on the ground that night, in a forest full of small talking animals and a small boy called Christopher Robin. Harry nearly cried when Pooh bear joined Ravenclaw for another rendition of her song and he had to restrain himself from jumping for joy when Hufflepuff punched Pooh and Owl pecked at Ravenclaw's eyes. Amusingly the little boy Christopher Robin told both the owl and the legendary Hogwarts founder off for fighting and they seemed quite repentant. Harry couldn't restrain himself from bunching Christopher Robin when Hufflepuff broke out in song.

"When a girl's an empty kettle she should be on her mettle,  
And yet I'm torn apart.  
Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human,  
If I only had heart.  
I'd be tender - I'd be gentle and awful sentimental  
Regarding Love and Art.  
I'd be friends with the sparrows ...  
and the boys who shoots the arrows  
If I only had a heart.  
Picture me - a balcony. Above a voice sings low.  
Wherefore art thou, Romeo? I hear a beat...  
How sweet.  
Just to register emotion, jealousy - devotion,  
And really feel the part.  
I could stay young and chipper  
and I'd lock it with a zipper,  
If I only had a heart." Harry attempted to sleep after that, wondering what the effects of a sweetness overdose were. He was woken an hour later by a squeal.

"It's a heffalump" exclaimed Pooh

"It's a woozle" suggested Piglet

"It's the last damned straw" shouted Harry. He looked over and saw the telltale signs of an upcoming song. Gryffindor and Piglet having what looked like a deep meaningful conversation about feelings. Harry tried to run but he found himself caught by Tigger and Rabbit and pinned to a tree, force to listen.

"Yeh, it's sad, believe me, Missy,  
When you're born to be a sissy  
Without the vim and verve.  
But I could show my prowess, be a lion not a mou-ess  
If I only had the nerve.  
I'm afraid there's no denyin' I'm just a dandelion,  
A fate I don't deserve.  
I'd be brave as a blizzard...  
I'd be gentle as a lizard...  
I'd be clever as a gizzard...  
If the Wizard is a Wizard who will serve.  
Then I'm sure to get a brain, a heart, a home, the nerve!"

"Great Merlin!" Harry exclaimed. He fixed Slytherin with a venomous glare. "Well go on. Aren't you going to sing at me? I might as well get it over with." Slytherin looked scandalised

"Of course not. I don't sing. I'm a real man!" he exclaimed indignantly. His nose grew ever so slightly.

"Of course you are" Harry replied with a sigh. "What could possibly make more sense. Slytherin can't lie. Ravenclaw can't think. Hufflepuff is a thug and I'm hiding from Heffalumps and Woozles in the hundred acre wood with Gryffindor and Winnie the Pooh. That's really normal"

"It is normal!" Slytherin exclaimed. It was a testament to Harry's advanced sense of despair that he didn't so much as raise an eyebrow when Slytherin's nose didn't change size at all.

The next morning the four founders found themselves tied together, gagged and being dragged along the yellow brick road by one very bad tempered Harry Potter. Harry enjoyed his day considerably more although he did become more than a little exasperated when the four joined hands and skipped. Eventually they reached the wizard's house. Harry knocked on the door.

"Please sir. Please can you help me home. I am going mad here" he pleaded.

"What about your friends? Why are they here?" he asked. Harry decided that the man looked vaguely like Dumbledore.

"Great Merlin. Do I really have to take the gags of?" he asked.

"Just call me Merlin" the man replied helpfully "and yes you do" Harry complied

"I need a heart"

"A brain"

"The nerve"

"I don't need anything. I'm a real man"

"Alright, Alright, Alright, Of course you are" the man agreed patronisingly. "Stay here for a while and I will see about arranging the organ transplants and train you all in magic. Perhaps then you could build a school and teach magic" the others agreed happily and skipped away "as for you my boy" definitely a relative of Dumbledore, Harry noted "you already have the means to return. Just click your heals together and say 'there's no place like home'."

"I did!" Harry screamed in exasperation. He followed the instructions to prove it

"Not your boots your socks" clarified the man "Your ruby socks" Harry pulled off his dragon hide boots and glanced at the red socks that Dobby had knitted him.

"Of course" Harry replied dryly. He kicked his heals together, repeating the words and found himself once again in the swirling nothing. He opened his eyes and found himself on the hospital wing.

"Harry, my boy, how are you feeling?" asked Dumbledore.

"Obviously he's looking for attention like his worthless father" sneered Snape from the door.

"You sir" Harry addressed Dumbledore with a slight note of hysteria in his voice "are without a doubt descended from Merlin" he looked over at Snape for a moment, his eyes pausing on his nose. He laughed insanely "and you sir are certainly a descendant of Salazar Slytherin." And with those words he pulled his legs to his chest and began rocking backwards and forwards singing

"Hoggiewarties, Hoggiewarties, say hello. Eh oh"


End file.
